Monday, 4 September 2017

Circus Awesomeus -- Not So Awesome



I don’t know what made me turn to HBO that night. 
Yes I do. They usually show great stuff.
But this night it was Neil Patrick Harris’ Circus Awesomeus.
Let’s just talk about the Neil Patrick Harris thing. He is our one and only out-of-the-closet top level TV/Hollywood gay actor in 2017.
So what does he get to do?
Well, apparently, though straight people are increasingly tolerant these days they can’t handle real out-of-the-closet actors and actresses in gay or lesbian roles in mainstream movies. And they certainly can’t handle out gay actors in straight roles (the reviews always say ‘the chemistry wasn’t convincing’). But what they can handle is when we host. (See: Ellen!) We now host straight lives. After all, this our calling isn’t it?  To facilitate the lives of straight people: serve them drinks, renovate their houses, and most importantly -- make them laugh?
But it isn’t just the host thing. The acts on Circus Awesomeous are -- almost without exception -- boring as hell. There is the ‘Beardyman’ who just makes boom box sounds as far as I can tell. It’s kinda like being very good at farting. It is this behaviour we should be rewarding him for? Then there’s the midget standup comic who I tried so hard to like, until I realized that the funniest thing he did was run. Yes, unfortunately his major talent seems to be displaying for us a body that is -- well, to most people --  odd. Then there is a large woman in a shiny dress who talks dirty. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve got nothing against large women in shiny dresses who talk dirty -- some of my best friends are large women in shiny dresses who talk dirty. But the ones I know are actually funny.
The act that really tells it all about Circus Awesomeous is Sammy J and Randy -- an effeminate gay man who sings with a foul-mouthed redneck gay puppet. The puppet (of course they could never let a real gay guy do this on TV) shouts out the details of gay sex acts while the effeminate guy looks shocked.
I’ll tell you what this show is. it’s a taste of ‘homosexuality’ for straights. It’s kinda like the old days when they used to snicker and throw eggs at drag queens in the Pride Parade on Yonge Street. This show makes it all too evident that straights think we are a bunch of freaks. Nevertheless they welcome the opportunity for a voyeuristic peak into our titillating sex lives -- something Neil Patrick Harris allows them to do.

Yulch!

Sunday, 27 August 2017

ATOMIC BLONDE....Oh Dear...





I don’t know what to say about ATOMIC BLONDE. I wish I could be as terribly modern as everyone else and say that it’s a step in the right direction. No. Sorry. I know the attitude we’re supposed to have is to just take it for granted that Charlize Theron has a lesbian affair in the movie. She’s not a lesbian, though -- that would be old fashioned -- because the ‘Atomic Blonde’ of the movie’s title was in love with a man at the beginning -- at least that’s what’s insinuated. So Charlize Theron is not a lesbian in the movie then. She’s a bisexual -- no. She’s just....fluid. Right? Cuz sexuality is fluid, right? And if you are a modern-millennial-type person you will watch this movie and go --  ‘Oh yes, I get it. I didn’t even notice who’s having sex with who. That’s what a long way we’ve come, baby.’
Yeah.
Okay. Don’t get me wrong. I think the movie is incredibly stylish, gorgeous really, and addictively watchable. I mean I hate complicated plots and the plot of this movie sure is complicated but I still enjoyed it. (Who is ‘Satchel’ anyway?)
But dare I mention -- and you know me, the last thing I would want to do is upset anyone, but -- um, isn’t it kind of crazy that Charlize Theron is so incredibly proud that there is a lesbian sex scene in the movie? I mean when I google ‘ATOMIC BLONDE lesbian’ all that comes up is Charlize gushing about how much she loved doing the kiss with Sofia Boutella so....? I mean if lesbian sex is just well -- everywhere, and so accepted by everyone -- then why is Charlize so proud of herself for having lesbian sex in this movie? 
And the fact that there is a ‘Charlize Theron and Sofia Boutella Kiss’ clip on youtube -- well I’m sure straight men aren’t jerking off to it. I mean this is not straight porn right? I mean this movie isn’t straight porn, if anything it’s lesbian porn, right? Or lesbian love, or something lesbian? Or bisexual? Or fluid? Yes, that’s it. It’s fluid porn.
But what I actually think this movie is, is violence porn. Charlize is kicking people’s heads in and the blood is gushing out --  practically every thirty seconds. Good for her, eh? I guess. She’s a strong woman then, I guess.
I mean come to think of it, I’ve convinced myself. I really think this is a step forward, not just for ‘moviekind’ but for ‘humankind’ everywhere.
And certainly for ‘womankind’
Yes, Charlize I congratulate you. Not since MONSTER have we seen such  an important and forward-looking representation of a ‘fluidly sexed’ character. In MONSTER, you murdered men -- but in this movie you just kick them in the nuts over and over and over and over.
That’s a step forward, isn’t it?

Gee, I sure hope so.

Monday, 7 August 2017

Missing Gay Men or Anti-Grindr Campaign?



Let me start by saying that if 5 Toronto gay men are indeed dead, and have been murdered by a serial killer during the last 5 years, then they and their families have my heartfelt sympathy. But that’s not what this article is about.
What upsets me is the way the problem of ‘missing gay men’ is being handled by the straight and gay communities at large. 
I tuned into the CBC today, and there was lots of concern being expressed about these missing men. 
Then, they posted a ‘profile’ of some of the men.
The physical description of each of the men was followed by this: ‘frequently used Grindr and Scruff phone apps.'
Ahh.
Now I wanted you to imagine, for a minute if several women had been found sexually assaulted and then murdered. And let’s say that information about them was posted on CBC and it said “known to be promiscuous” after several of the names.
There would be outrage, right?
But it’s okay if there’s a missing gay man to mention that he frequently went online looking for sex.
The CBC stated these ‘facts’ about the missing gay men’s private lives all in the name of helping out. The posting was followed by a lecture given by a member of the gay community saying things like “These apps can be dangerous. If you pick up someone online and something happens to you, there may be no way to trace you or find you. It’s a good idea, if you pick someone up online, to make sure and get their email, that way the person can be traced.”
Oh what a great idea. The next time somebody wants to go down on me, I’ll ask him to give me his email address, just in case.
This is homophobia pure and simple. What happened to us is this. AIDS appeared in the early 1980s. There was an anti-sex backlash. Gay men became afraid to pick up gay men in bars, they feared that they might get AIDS and die. But gay men do need to have sex with other gay men, and yes, sometimes they need sex that is outside of a conventional ‘relationship.’ So gay men began to look for sex on line. This offered not only convenience but secrecy: it’s not like walking out of a gay bar with someone; no one knows who you are having sex with or how often. And if the person you pick up is HIV positive or ‘sketchy’ you won’t have friends on your case about getting AIDS or being a slut, in an era when all gay men are supposed to be getting married. So, for awhile, gay men have had lots of sex by hooking up online.
But now, members of the straight community -- and uptight members of the gay community -- are declaring that online sex is dangerous.
The availability of PEP, and PrEP, pre and post-exposure prophylaxis (when utilized with condoms)  have made it possible for gay men to have sex again without fear of dying of AIDS.
Anti-sex homophobes however (and some of those people can be gay men!) are now trying to stop that.
Thankyou, CBC for doing your bit to drive gay sex underground, and make gay men afraid again.

Friday, 21 July 2017

Vaginas Are Important!



I was at the bar the other night (surprise) and a ‘being’ entered (I’m not sure how this person would identify but I thought she looked like a ‘she’) and she was butch, and I wasn’t sure whether she was male or female, so I looked at her breasts and she didn’t seem to have any (what is normally thought of as) female breasts, so I thought she might have identified as male....but I am pretty sure she had a vagina.
What is going on here?
Why does it suddenly sound so politically incorrect for me to wonder whether or not this being had a vagina?
My thesis is this: the trans movement devalues vaginas. (it also devalues penises, but penises are not really as important). 
Can I can tell you something about vaginas? Vaginas are a big deal, and whether you have one -- or you don’t -- is big deal. Vaginas are important because: 
a) you came from one
b)  they give enormous pleasure
It’s hard to say which of these two is more important. I suggest ‘you came from one’ is important because no matter how queer or trans or whatever you are, nevertheless we all came out of vaginas and you wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for a vagina, so it’s important that you don’t forget them.
The fact that a vagina gives enormous pleasure (to both the owner and the one who is the intruder into -- or whatever -- the vagina) is important too.
But the trans movement doesn’t seem to care.
Trans people say:
“It doesn’t matter whether you have a penis or vagina. It’s the person you love.” Or they say 
“Genitals don’t matter”
I’m sorry, but they do.
Why do genitals matter? Because we are sexual people, and we have sex, and sex is involved with genitals, and generally speaking (I don’t know how to break the news to you but) people are interested in either penises or vaginas. Usually not both. But if they are interested in both, it’s not usually at the same time. But, if they are interested in both at the same time they still know (and this is very important) THE DIFFERENCE between a penis and a vagina.
VIVA LA DIFFERENCE!
I remember I had a friend once who was a female dyke who is now gender/sexuality indeterminate. When she was a female dyke she used to rant against scrotums. Yes she did. More power to her. I, personally, have always somewhat enjoyed scrotums, but I appreciated it that she did not. And I respected it. But ‘she’ (as a female person) is now gone. And the person she has become hasn't mentioned scotums in awhile.
The only way that trans activists have been able to get away with pretending that genitals don’t matter, is that they are taking advantage of the anti-sex times we live in (yes sex is everywhere on the web, but that doesn’t matter, we just pretend it isn’t there, the web has become a way for us to universally sublimate sex, pretend it doesn’t exist, because a lot of us have sex with our computers, and pretend no one knows!).
And frankly, I’m beginning to feel sorry for vaginas -- and for the women who are either are born with them, or somehow acquire them on the way -- because they are being devalued too.
As if women don’t have enough trouble already, without us further devaluing their vaginas.
So I say -- be trans, be gay, bi. lesbian queer whatever.
But let me just say vaginas are important, and they mean something.
(And just for the record, the same is true of penises, too.)





Saturday, 8 July 2017

Why There’s No Such Thing as ‘Culturally Gay’



I was at the foot doctor’s today. She finally figured out I’m gay.
She is an intelligent, tolerant and very politically savvy woman.
So, what -- for an intelligent, tolerant and politically savvy chiropodist -- is the immediate ‘go-to’ when she finds out her client is gay?
“Have you seen that TV show with Nate Berkus and Jeremiah Brent?”
No, I had to honestly say that I hadn’t.
“They had this daughter with a surrogate, and sometimes the daughter is on the show, and they are home designers -- and you really get a glimpse into their lives. Sometimes you can see them kidding each other the same way straight couples do. It’s very -- real”
Wow.
I was somewhat flabbergasted. I didn’t know what to say.
You see, there was a time when admitting to someone that you were gay might have brought other images to mind, like  -- well, maybe drag, or maybe -- leather chaps or maybe even (call me crazy) fellatio?
Not nowadays. No, nowadays tell someone you’re gay and all they can think about is pair of designer guys with a daughter they paid big money for -- and oh yes how ‘similar’ these guys are to a regular, ordinary, normal straight couple.
And of course, most gay men seem pretty happy with this new image of themselves.
So when dumb straight film actors like Andrew Garfield say they are ‘culturally gay’ or 
when straight, pretentious matinee idol, avant-garde wannabes like James Franco say “I’m gay in my life up to the point of intercourse, and then you could say I'm straight. So I guess it depends on how you define gay” -- well, we only have only ourselves to blame.
We gay men have rejected everything sexual about ourselves (‘I don’t like bathhouses, I don’t hang out on Church Street’) and everything gender bending (‘No fats and no fems please’). And we are sure to tell everyone over tea, that despite the existence of GRINDR what we all really want is to settle down, get married and adopt a baby
So this is what we get.
No wonder dumb straight guys want to be ‘culturally gay.’
But you know what?
I don’t like it that James Franco gets to be gay without ‘doing the dirty.’ In fact I find it pretty insulting. I’ve spent my whole life being treated like a pariah because I like to dress like a girl and take it up the rear end. 
So it kinda bugs me that entitled assholes like James Franco and Andrew Garfield get to appropriate only the un-sexual, home designer, daughter-loving aspects of our lives. They get to be homo, without the sexuality.
In fact, I’m downright offended.
So, you heard it here first.
There’s no such thing as being ‘culturally gay.’
Andrew Garfield and James Franco, I hereby challenge you to pull down your pants or
shut up.
If you wanna be one of us, I’m afraid you’re going to get down on your knees, and well...play the bagpipes!
And I think you guys are intelligent, tolerant, and politically savvy enough to know what I mean.




Saturday, 24 June 2017

Is Trans Killing Gay?



I’ve had it.
I’ve had it with cisgender and transgender folks who keep saying ‘gender is over.’
Don’t get me wrong. I’m got nothing against transsexuals, or drag queens (I am one!), or drag kings, and certainly I’ve got nothing against transgender folks who personally reject the gender binary. I only object to those who wish to eradicate the gender binary completely, for everyone.
Because has it every occurred to anyone that if gender is over, then ‘gay and lesbian’ is over too?
In a recent article in the Globe and Mail a Queens University professor named Airton (who uses the pronoun ‘they’) says “Love is love -- this is more of a young person’s discourse than -- I can choose to marry a man if I’m a man.”
I find this rhetoric hateful and homophobic.
The problem with getting rid of gender is that if there is no more gender then there are no more homosexuals or lesbians (duh!). Gays and lesbians are same sex people. We love people of the same gender; that is how we define ourselves. If gender is over, than we can no longer love someone of the same gender. No longer will we be able to celebrate ‘man on man’  and ‘woman on woman’ love and sex.
Simple, isn’t it?
On top of these objections -- getting rid of gender simply won’t work, and is not ultimately desirable.
People are mostly born with either penises or vaginas. They naturally tend to think in terms of male and female. Penises and vaginas, masculinity and femininity -- all that stuff is sexy -- the only problem comes (as Judith Butler tells us) when you think that only men born with penises can be masculine, and only women born with vaginas can be feminine. So sure -- rip the categories of male and female apart, criticize them, deconstruct them, reapply them in radical ways, challenge them -- but you cannot and should not do away with them.
I don’t blame the trans theorists who want to rid of gender. (I used to know Kate Bornstein and she is a lovely, lovely person). I doubt there is conscious agenda on the part of trans theorists to erase ‘gay and lesbian,’ (at least I hope not) but it is nevertheless the logical outcome of those who propose there be no gender for anyone, anymore.
In fact it is my suspicion that trans theorists are merely being naive, idealistic and aspirational (all, potentially good things!). But remember our shared queer history: early gay and lesbian theorists believed that the goal of gay liberation was to destroy all sexuality categories. But it is now nearly fifty years later and those labels have not disappeared.
‘No gender’ trans theory may be well intentioned -- but it is an undesirable goal that will never work.
And I have to say it.
Whatever their intentions, those who call for ‘the end of gender for all’ are being homophobic.

Period.

Saturday, 17 June 2017

WHY THE POLICE SHOULD NOT MARCH IN THE PRIDE PARADE



So there I was.
At my usual gay hangout (no, I’m not going to tell you the name) and yes, truth be told, I was having sex. This was a couple of days ago, exactly ten days before Pride 2017. Suddenly, a staff member at the establishment came up to us and said “Okay cool it, stop -- no more” I can’t remember exactly what he said, but it was something like that. And then the staff member disappeared.
This never happens. What was going on?
I spoke to another staff member: ’Why did someone try and interrupt us having sex?’ I asked.
‘Oh that’s because of the fire inspectors,’ the staff member said ‘they always come around at Pride.’
‘So you’re saying that that the police --‘
“No it’s not the police. It’s the fire inspectors.’
‘So what you’re saying is --‘
‘I’m saying they don’t want it to look like the police are harassing us so they send the fire inspectors instead.’
Ahh. I get it. So the City of Toronto makes a habit -- in fact it is actually part of City of Toronto policy -- to harass gay people every year a few days before Pride -- to send men in uniform to intimidate queer people in their own clubs. Why? Not because these gay places are filled with people, or over capacity (the establishment I attended was nearly empty) -- just because it’s Pride!
I’m tired of reading articles in the Toronto Sun saying ‘Why shouldn’t the police be able to march in their uniforms at Pride?’
I’ll tell you why -- because the police still harass queers.
I know what you’re going to say. You are probably straight or gay and happily married with children -- ‘I’m sorry but I don’t agree with PDA (public displays of affection). People should not have sex in public.’
And I would say: ‘Okay. Let’s say you are a teenage girl on a date and you decide to offer your boyfriend oral sex in a car. Expect the police to put you in jail. Let’s say you are a married couple kissing in a remote corner of a park, late at night, and your hand wanders down to your partners’ bum. Expect the police to shine a light on you and arrest you. Let’s say you are a man and a stripper in a strip bar, and the stripper is sitting on your lap. Expect the police to haul you off to jail for having public sex.’
This is a double standard. Fire inspectors marching around gay bars at Gay Pride in lieu of police is homophobic. 
Gay, lesbian and trans people are still unfairly harassed. I know. In 2000 I was working at a gay sex club called the Bijou that was raided by the police. Have the cops ever apologized? Have they ever explained why they were harassing us twenty years after the infamous 1981 bathhouse raids they claim to regret?
No. Nothing has changed.

And that’s why policemen in uniform are not welcome at Toronto Pride.